How will you expect anyone else to love you if you don’t love you ? You gotta be your first love and you’re first priority. It took me a while to love me. I was searching for love and acceptance in all of the wrong places. I abused alcohol and my body (both mentally and physically) and what do I have to show for it. All those years of dead end situationships that just ended with my feelings hurt and yet another dude under my belt. I wish i knew my self worth like i mean really really knew my self worth. Everyone in college claim to be so “woke” when half the time its a mask that people put on once they leave their dorm rooms so that they can conform to that campus’ social norms, so they can fit in. We walk past people day in and day out not knowing their struggles. People show other people what they want them to see. I know I sure did. I had the mindset of let me act like I don’t care about whats being said about the type of person people believe me to be knowing damn well that that shit haunts me every night. I’ve always struggled with finding myself and being true to myself. I wanted to be like every and anyone else but me because I felt that my insecurities defined who I was. I was so caught up in me that I failed to realize that we all may have different struggles but they are struggles none the less. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes that hurt us and sometimes our loved ones too, its life. As long as you learn from them and effect change you’re already one step ahead.
I thought that I needed people and things to bring me happiness and comfort but now that I am experiencing different situations and different people I am seeing that the first and most important relationship that I have to trust in is the one with myself. And then of course my relationship with God. I feel more authentic and real these days like I’m not just talking to talk but instead i’m talking with substance, like I have a voice. I am beautiful, chocolate, optimistic, not perfect, smart, hard-working and strong willed. I love myself through and through. My eyebrows don’t always look arched, my acne break outs form from time to time, my bottom teeth are a bit crooked, I have slight traction alopecia on my edges but you know what all these things make me, me. And i’m done trying to change things that don’t define me. This journey that I am taking to affect positive change in my life is a new start for me. Not for me to forget all of my past mistakes but instead for me to build off of them to make me stronger. I am learning to fall in love with myself, and this feeling is indescribable!